How to be kind to yourself
Did you know there is more than one approach to managing negative thoughts and emotions? I had come across five approaches in the last year, and I couldn’t help notice the similarities and the differences.
Here is the list of the five approaches I came across:
1. Dr. Tara Brach’s adaptation of Michele McDonald’s RAIN approach
2. Dr. Raymond Prior’s adaptation of Michele McDonald’s RAIN approach
3. Dr. Qiang Chen’s 4 steps to keep our ‘emotional containers’ light
4. Dr. Phil Parker’s The Lightning Process
5. Dr. Marti Olsen Laney’s adaptation of Robert Cooper’s Quick-Calm Plan
They all involve the element of choice — choices you and I can make. The differences help you see the options.
Follow me as I meander through the various approaches and choices.
The very first thing that is going to happen is we will feel a physical reaction — like the pulsing heart rate, the pit in our stomach, or the pain in our neck or head. This is the precursor to the emotions and thoughts which tend to follow. This was one of the big takeaways on my learning journey – that my anxiety was an emotion reacting to a physical reaction – which was in reaction to what Resmaa Menakam calls threats or dangers which are actually anything our brain doesn’t know or understand:
“Remember that dangerous can mean a threat to more than just the well being of our body. It can mean a threat to what we do, say, think, care about, believe in, or yearn for.”
That is a pretty wide berth, don’t you think?
We have three options when this happens.
We can stay with this awful feeling without doing anything.
We can stay with this awful feeling and become judgmental, trying to stop it, ignore it, fix, force, suppress, will, or distract ourselves from it or engage with it.
We can choose to move to the present.
I really like how Phil Parker describes being present.
“Being present means various things to various people and is common to many philosophical approaches, but can be summed up as:
⇨ Being aware of this moment.
⇨ And aware that this moment is separate and unconnected to the past or the future – it just is.
⇨ Recognizing that, right now, there is ’this moment’ and nothing else.”
It is only in the present that we have the presence of mind to recognize that there is something else.
To recognize something else is to become aware of it – and that is what Raymond Prior states is the first line of information processing for us and our brains.
“By standing (or sitting) in the present, we are better able to recognize the difference between the physical reaction and the negative emotions and/or thoughts, which might be better understood as behaviors, our unproductive habits, or that which provokes us.”
The key here is to decrease the time between when it first arises and your recognition and awareness of it. I find there can be times when I can wallow in some thought or feelings before I recognize it as something that I can choose to move or think differently about.
When we recognize this something else, we can acknowledge it either out loud or just in our minds. Ah, there you are. Thank you for being here. In this manner, we are creating some space between what we feel and what we are now acknowledging and identifying.
Once we become aware of it, I see more options for us to choose from – perhaps depending on what we need at that moment, or there might be one practice we prefer over another.
The options include one or more of the following:
1) You can choose to accept this uncomfortable feeling nonjudgmentally and without trying to stop it, ignore it, fix, force, suppress, will, or distract ourselves from it or engage with it. We just need to see it and observe it.
We don’t want to spend too much time accepting it or observing it – just enough time, Raymond Prior states, for us to “sit in some emotional discomfort long enough for the safety-first portions of our old brain to realize that we’re not in actual or unmanageable danger. Sitting outside of our comfort zone long enough creates space for our brain to realize that it doesn’t need to retreat to stay safe, which is ultimately what leads to growth.”
Once you have spent enough time here, then you can choose to do something else which is more productive. For example, you could move to #2 or #3.
2) You can choose Phil Parker’s stop, which includes a verbal ‘stop’, said with a convincing tone and volume, and a physical movement to echo those sentiments. This step doesn’t waste any time in moving you to the next choice.
A few notes about physical movement: Phil tells us that our brains listen to what our posture tells us in preference to self-talk. He also notes how the brain will learn more quickly if our words and our physical movements are congruent and consistent – that is, if we stand tall and strong while moving our hands to signal stop, and say “stop” assertively.
3) You can choose to follow this part of Marti Laney’s adaptation of of Robert Cooper’s Quick-Calm Plan which focuses primarily on the physical side of things which will again put you into a better space before making your next choice:
a) Keep breathing: “When you feel stress, you often hold your breath. If you don’t interrupt this process and start breathing normally, you will be propelled toward anxiety, anger, and frustration… Breathing increases blood flow and oxygen to your brain and muscles, thus reducing tension and increasing your sense of well-being.”
b) Make your eyes calm and alert: “Change your expression so that you are smiling with a relaxed, alert, focused gaze… Following your lead, your neurochemistry will shift to cheer you up.”
c) Let go of your tension: “Notice your posture and where your body is holding tension. Are your shoulders tight? Is your tummy upset? Is your jaw clenched? Distribute your weight on both feet. Bounce slightly to make sure you have done this. Now, imagine that someone is gently pulling you up by the top of your head.”
This process sounds a little bit like Qiang Chen’s harmless release.
Once we have become aware of whatever our negative emotions or thoughts are, and we’ve made our choice as to what form of release we will use next, we can then choose to spend time exploring what is behind or around the negative emotions or thoughts or habit or behavior.
This is where we can increase our awareness further to learn more about ourselves and to better understand what provokes our inner security team. We can become caringly curious about the environment around us and the environment within us. There are three different approaches you can choose from or mash together as you see fit.
1) I love how Marti Laney encourages us to ask ourselves, “How is this situation unique?” Because every situation is different when we are mindful and alert. This helps counter our brains’ typical response which is to make snap judgments based on previous experiences clumped together – delivered like a prepackaged solution which is supposed to reduce our anxiety. Taking this step gives our brains something better to focus on.
2) Tara Brach has suggested some additional questions to help expand how this situation might be unique:
What is calling out for attention?
How am I experiencing this in my body?
What am I believing?
What does this vulnerable place want from me?
What does it most need?
By the way, if we do use these questions, then it would be a good idea to give ourselves time to listen for the answers!
3) We might have a different kind of conversation with ourselves, according to Raymond Prior, in which we nonjudgmentally point out to ourselves that we’re engaging in a behavior which feels crappy and clearly doesn’t work. He likes to use the phrase, ‘Hmmm, how interesting that I think ___ will ___ when what it really does is _____.’ He goes on to share a golf example: ‘Hmm, how interesting that I think complaining about having a terrible lie is helpful when all complaining does is make it harder for me to play the shot I’m faced with.’
After we spend time exploring and being curious, there is more we can do to help our ships return to calmer waters! (By the way, you are the ship, in case you didn’t figure that out yet.)
We can choose to call upon our inner sage or coach to:
Acknowledge our personal strength and knowledge.
Then ask ourselves “What do you want?” Because we need to be clear on that.
When I am engaging in this process, I most often want to be profoundly calm and confident. If I am looking forward to something in the near future, then I want to ensure I am profoundly calm and keenly focused or mindful.
3. We can then ask ourselves, “And how are you going to do that?”
At this point, we can step back into the present and thank our inner sage and coach.
From here, we can choose one or more of the following:
We can take ourselves back to a time when we handled a similar situation successfully. We can either thank our coach for reminding us about this or we can just claim we found it ourselves.
If we can’t think of a similar situation, we can take ourselves to a future vision where we are successful in handling this situation.
We can nurture ourselves with self compassion by engaging with our five senses.
Either create an action plan for later, or shift our focus to whatever is happening now.
Now let’s take a deep breath and exhale slowly.
We are now ready for anything.
At least, I hope you are.
Now, it may be that this process doesn’t land for you in any way, shape, or form. If that’s the case, think about what would work for you, keeping in mind the following key points:
You will feel a physical reaction. Learn to recognize it.
You have the ability to choose how you act in response to that physical reaction.
Your body and mind is constantly striving to come back to its point of balance or its resting point – it just doesn’t always make the best decisions in the blink of an eye.
You deserve to be loved by yourself (and others).
Your brain will be happiest if you tell it where you want to go – otherwise, it has to come up with something on its own (and we know how well that turns out).
Your brain doesn’t know the difference between what is real or what is perceived. You can be creative to the benefit of yourself and those around you.
Whatever you choose, ensure it is consistent, congruent, and kind.
Did you read that last word? Now let that sink in. Yes, you need to be kind to yourself.
Repeat after me: I will be kind to myself. I will be kind to myself. I will be kind to myself.
Now go be kind to yourself.
Resources
Brach, Tara. https://www.tarabrach.com/rain-practice-radical-compassion/
Chen, Qiang. The Energy Book: A Do-It-Yourself Guide to Overcoming Fatigue and Restoring Energy. Kindle Edition.
Laney Psy.D., Marti Olsen. 2022. The Introvert Advantage: How Quiet People Can Thrive in an Extrovert World. Workman Publishing Company. Kindle Edition.
Menakem, Resmaa. 2017. My Grandmother’s Hands. Las Vegas, NV: Central Recovery Press.
Parker, Phil. Get the Life You Love, Now: How to Use the Lightning Process® Toolkit for Happiness and Fulfilment. Kindle Edition.
Prior, Raymond. 2023. Golf Beneath the Surface. Dallas, Texas: BenBella Books, Inc.
Image by Tammy Brimner: A Northern Flicker
